从句从句,利弊优劣类作文不落俗套相关

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请看2012年肇庆一模基础写作题:
基础写作(共1题,满分15分)
【写作内容】
随着网络的飞速进展,网络购物正变得越来越普遍。请参考表里的内容,以“shopping online”为题,用英语写一篇短文。
【写作要求】
只能用5个句子表达全部内容,短文的第一句已经给出,不计入总句数。
【评分标准】
句子结构准确,信息内容完整,篇章结构连贯。
Shopping Online
With the fast development of the Internet, shopping online is becoming more and more popular...
显然,此作文属“利弊优劣”类写作,很容易套用以下模板:
With the fast development of..., ...has been popular. There are many advantages in.... First..(优点一). Second..(优点二). Third...(优点三)。
However, there’re some disadvantages...(缺点一). Besides...(缺点二).Also...(缺点三).
In my opinion, I don’t agree...
如果考生生硬地套用模板去写作,就会给评卷老师造成“审美疲劳”,分数当然也是平平的,只能拿10分左右。
但是如何才能在这样的写作中不落俗套,值得我们每一位考生去深思小学英语教学论文。我觉得与其生硬地套用模板,还不如在词句的表达方面下功夫。如果考生能在词句方面用得精、准、妙,反而还能给评卷老师一种耳目一新的感觉,以而提高作文得分的筹码。下面我就以2012年肇庆一模的基础写作为例,在词、句方面去探讨一下如何去突破这种套用模板的瓶颈。

一、词汇方面

二、句子方面

1. 很多人喜欢网上购物,因为它方便、快捷。

[普通] Many people like shopping online, because it is convenient and quick.
[高级] Considering shopping online as a convenient and quick way of purchase, a great number of consumers choose to buy products on the Internet. (分词)
[高级] Due to the convenience and quickness, a large number of people enjoy shopping online. (介词短语)

2. 网上的货物丰富多样且物美价廉,所以很多人喜欢网上购物。

[普通] The goods online is very rich and very cheap, so many people like shopping online.
[高级]Because there are a variety of goods online and the prices of these products are relatively low, a large number of people enjoying shopping online. (there be句型)
[高级] Because of the varieties of the goods online and the lower prices, shopping online wins the heart of most customers.(介词短语)

3. 然而,网上购物也有很多缺点。

[普通] However, shopping online has also many disadvantages.
[高级] However, the advantages of shopping online can not be ignored. (被动语态)
[高级] Everything has two sides, so shopping online is not an exception. (状语以句)

4. 网上买回来的商品可能会货不对板,质量难以保证。

[普通] The goods we he bought online may be the ones whose quality is very poor.
[高级] What we buy may be different from what we read on the website and the quality can’t be ensured. (名词性以句)
[高级] It’s normal for you to receive a product that is not equal to what is shown online. (It引导的主语以句和宾语以句)

5. 对于我来说,我不喜欢网上购物,因为我担心上当受骗。

[普通] In my opinion, I don’t like shopping online because I am afraid of being cheated.
[高级] From where I stand, I don’tprefer shopping online for the reason that I will be cheated on the Internet.(同位语以句)
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[高级] From my point of view, I am strongly against the idea of shopping online for the reason that I will be cheated. (同位语以句)
6. 对于我来说,我喜欢网上购物是因为我可以买到我不能在这个城市找到的一些便宜和特别的东西。
[普通] In my opinion, I like shopping online because I can buy some cheap and special things and I can’t find these things in the city.
[高级] From where I stand, I am keen on shopping online because I can buy something cheap and special, which I can’t find in the city. (定语以句)
[高级] As far as I am concerned, I am in for of the idea of shopping online because I can buy something cheap and special, which I can’t find in the city. (状语以句和定语以句)

三、考场满分作文点评

(一)
With the fast development of the Internet, shopping online is becoming more and more popular. Considering shopping online as a convenient and quick way of purchase, a great number of consumers choose to buy products on the Internet, because they believe the products are not only abundant but also cheap. However, the disadvantages of shopping online can not be ignored. On one hand, it is normal for you to receive a product that is not equal to the one that is shown online, and it’s hard to promise a high quality of the product. On the other hand, being attracted by the description, you are supposed to be persuaded to buy something that you don’t really need. In my opinion, I’m fond of shopping online, for I can easily buy a nice but cheap product.
点评:
1. 本文层次清楚,要点全面,衔接得当,行文过渡自然,整篇文章结构紧凑,使文章读起来如流水一般流畅通顺。

2. 文章使用了复杂短语和语法,如现在分词

“Considering shopping online”,“being attracted by the description”;定语以句“buy something that you don’t really need”;主语以句“it is normal for you to receive a product”;状语以句“I’m fond of shopping online, for I can easily buy a nice but cheap product。”增添了文章的亮点,提高了文章的档次。
(二)
With the fast development of the Internet, shopping online is becoming more and more popular.On one hand, we can’t deny the advantage of shopping online. The majority of people enjoy it because of the varieties of the goods online, the lower price, the convenience and quickness as well. On the other hand, online shoppers often find what they buy may be different from what they read on the website and the quality can’t be promised. Besides, online shoppers may buy a lot of things which are useless. From where I stand, I like shopping online because I can buy something cheap and special which I can’t find in this city.
点评:此文结构完整,逻辑严密,连接词“on the other hand”,“worse still”等的使用使语言更加流畅,一些名词短语如“the lower price”和介词短语 “because of”以及名词性以句“what they buy”,定语以句“which I can’t find in this city”的运用是文章的另一大亮点,突显了考生深厚的语言功底。
(作者单位:广宁县第一中学)
责任编校 蒋小青
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